wrestling with God...God wins!!!

Hi, everyone! Hope you are having a wonderful day as the sun shines so bright!!!
I have been e-mailing you sporadically over the past few months to share with you the emotions that I go through and the wonderful news we received last month on the scans. I have been in two personal Bible studies, and I have not been obedient to God in sharing them. The reason I have been so remiss is due to the fact that I just feel so inadequate some times. I type these Bible studies up, and I always think, "who am I to be sending my thoughts on the Bible out to 200 people? My knowledge is so limited, and they probably think I feel superior by sending these out." I just felt so embarrassed for anyone to feel that I was sending those Bible studies out to seem as though I had this knowledge of the Bible that I needed to share with everyone. It truly is not that AT ALL! I simply wanted to share the joy I experienced each day in the Word with all of you that have been so faithful to love and support me through my treatments and s truggles. I wanted somehow to make you feel as loved as I feel when I experience the love of Christ in His Word. So, I stopped sending the daily devotions I was sharing because I never wanted the reasons to be taken the wrong way!

Well, I just can't find a peace in not sharing with all of you! I feel led by the Holy Spirit to send these e-mails, and I can't explain why!
There may be one person "out there" that receives a blessing from God's Word because I send it...I don't know. All I know is that there are very few ways I can minister to others while I am going through this with my family. It's not that my knowledge is greater than anyone elses (God Himself knows that is not true). Maybe, just maybe, God can/will use my thoughts each day to touch someone else that I wouldn't come in contact with any other way. So, will you please be patient with me and know that the reason for me sending these devotions out is simply a desire to please the God that I long to serve in the best way I can. I am praying God will somehow give me the words to share so that they will not become too mundane!

With that said, I was touched (as I always am) with the words of Chuck Swindoll today. I have been reading his book called, Elijah, The Man of Heroism and Humility. I have never done a study of any of the major prophets...so, I decided to take the leap with my two neighbors, Lisa and Teri. It has been a wonderful, touching story of obedience and God's provisions thus far.
I truly want to begin with the entire story, but I have to share the portion I read today because it is what confirmed in me that I was not listening to God as He told me to step up in serving Him.
Elijah has already spoken to King Ahab and lived in Cherith (where the Raven and Brook provided for him). Now, God has told him to move to Zarephath. God explained that He had commanded a widow to provide for him there. This act of obedience was huge for Elijah because it was a 100 mile walk for Elijah, and we need to remember that he was a wanted man. The King had bounty hunters out for him all over the place. If he was to take this journey, he had to depend on God to protect him. God knew where Elijah was and what he needed. Isaiah 41:10 says, "Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
God also knew where Elijah was going. Chuck Swindoll says, "If right now I knew everything that faced me in the coming year, I would be scared to the point of sleeplessness. But God knows. How gracious of Him to lead us one step at a time, which is exactly what He does with Elijah."
Wow! You know, I never looked at it that way before. I have never been confronted with the fact that I should praise God for protecting me from the knowledge of what will happen in the future. If I had known five years ago that we would have to face Scott and Tina's accident, Brian's mother dying and me having cancer, do you think I would have been able to enjoy all the wonderful things that happened in between? God knows we cannot handle more than one day at a time, and that is all He expects us to live in...one day at a time. He is actually giving us a gift by only allowing us to obtain the knowledge of one moment at a time. Why is that so difficult to grasp? I am living with a disease that forces me to appreciate every moment I share with my family. Yet, I still want to know things like - "Is God going to heal me?", "Am I going to be allowed to raise my boys?", "Will I be Brian's only love?". If I knew t he answers, would I be able to enjoy life until I actually "live" the answers?
Elijah was so obedient to God that he "went", just as God told Him too. God gave him all the knowledge he needed, and he left. Are we that willing to serve our God that we are immediately obedient? This e-mail alone is proof that I am not immediately obedient. It seems as though I have to be constantly prompted by the Holy Spirit before I get the message.
The thought that made me smile today is realizing that God always knows where I am and where I am going! He knows that He can use my limited knowledge to possibly make someone else smile!!! He knows that, right now, I am in a place of struggling with questions but trusting that He has the answers. He knows how I am going to be healed, if I will raise my boys and if I will be the only love of Brian's life. Aren't you glad that we serve a God that can handle all of that knowledge and how it will work for the good of THOSE WHO LOVE HIM!
Have a wonderful day serving our Lord!
Tiffany Pate